THEM CAKES

Bill Blaire – special correspondent

as told to John Jonelis

Bill Blaire here. Sometimes ya get surprised by a simple little idea—one that ain’t a mobile app er nothin’. Summa them make real nice businesses.  I’m at FFF—da Funding Feeding Frenzy where it ain’t just tech—it’s good investments.

I’m sittin’ here in back so’s I don’t block nobody’s view when all of a sudden Jim Kren plops down in da chair nexta the ones I’m lappin’ across—and just when things was gettin’ good, too.

He leans over and talks in a real low tone like he’s got some kinda secret er somethin’. But he ain’t got nothin’. “What did I miss?” is all he sez. Hell, what didn’t he miss? But I’m ready. Been savin’ a couple good ones fer Kren.

The Coffeecake Connection Company

“First,” I sez, “There’s this company called The Coffeecake Connection Company. Last minute entry, I think. Wants a quarter Mil…

“Hey, don’t look at me like that. Sure they got high tech here, but I’m givin’ ya the interestin’ stuff first.”

He starts to get nasty so I gotta clamp down on him. “Look Kren— just shaddup ‘n’ listen’ will ya?”

He calms down except for a twitch—just at the corner of his mouth. You gotta watch fer it to notice but it’s a twitch all right.

“Anyhow,” I sez, “When this gal talks about her company, she keeps sayin’, ‘WE this’ and ‘WE that,’ and one o’ the judges cuts her off cold.

“‘Who’s WE?’ He sez, cause ever’body knows it’s a one-woman company.”

Kren sits up in his seat but his head still don’t reach my shoulders. “So she loses it completely?”

I really think he’s hopin’ she does—lose it, I mean. Don’t it sound that way to you?  That’s what I call mean spirited.   “Yer wrong, she’s straight with da guy. She comes right out with it: ‘I always say WE because it makes it sound bigger.’ She sez it real natural-like. No nerves er nothin’. This gal’s got guts. I could eat her coffeecake any time.”

“Save the crude remarks for your underworld connections, Blaire.” Kren scowls at me like I’s some kinda dirt. “And stop that horrid noise this instant!”

And I gotta admit Mr. Kren’s right. My laugh sounds like a hoarse wheeze. He prob’ly figures some first responder might panic and do CPR on me er somethin’. So I wind it down and start talkin’ again.

“All I’m sayin’ is she’s got the moxey to make a go o’ this thing. I’m bettin’ on her, personal-like. She deserves some respect in my book on accounta she bribed the judges with a coffecake fer each of ‘em all wrapped up in red foil with a ribbon.” 

Then I say, “And the coffeecake costs 17 Bucks.”  I figure that’ll get some kinda response.

“That’s absurd.” He blurts it out loud, then covers his mouth ’cause ever’body in the room’s lookin’ at him.  I fergot to tell ya what a cheapskate this Kren really is. But he don’t get the whole picture, so I go on:

“No, I’m talkin’ corporate gifts. All natural ingredients. Gluten free.”

His face is turnin’ red.  “Not with my money she’s not.”

“Hey, the judges is all sayin’ she’s fundable! So yer thinkin’ they mean it as a play on words er somethin’?”

“I’m tired of your foul remarks, Blaire!” Now Kren’s starin’ up at me, his face scrunched like a piece o’ rotten fruit. “And don’t start that noise you use for laughter. I’ve heard enough!”

I just grin at him. “Turns out she’s got a B2B angle that’s worth alotta money. I’m sayin’ it could be a good little company. One o’ da judges talked t’ me about it at break and he’s all in.

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“Anyhow, her financials is set up in units sold, so David Culver chimes in with, “She measures everything in cakes.”  Then on o’ the judges says, “It doesn’t matter—it’s all dough.”  Ya gotta laugh at that one, Mr. Kren.”

“It isn’t funny, Blaire”

I’m really gettin’ tired o’ his tone but it don’t surprise me none. Mr. Kren never thinks nothin’s funny.

In case none o’ you noticed before, Kren’s got a mean streak down his skinny little back. Hell, somebody’s gotta challenge the guy and it might as well be me. “That ain’t nice, makin’ funna my laugh. You shouldn’t oughta say them things, Mr. Kren.”

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“My secretary will send you a letter of apology.”

I reach one o’ my big hairy mitts behind his neck and pinch his head by the ears. That way, I can twist his face up so’s I’m lookin’ into his eyes insteada down on his bald spot. Then I sez, real quiet-like: “Sometimes it don’t turn out so good when people ain’t polite, see? You don’t want I should ferget my manners…” Hell, I know I’m way outa line here, but he asked for it, doncha think?

Now he’s stammerin’, “Okay, okay—I’m sorry—sorry Blaire. J-just tell me what’s next.”

I pat his cheek twice, real friendly like, and stop to think. “Oh yeah, da pollution-control guy.”

Note from Jim Kren – The remainder of this article has been removed due to, in my opinion, it’s unsuitability.  It  will be under review by the managing editor.

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Go to – THEM WORMS

Back to – MY KRAKEN ENCOUNTER

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Contacts

The Coffeecake Connection www.coffeecakeconnection.com

Funding Feeding Frenzy fundingfeedingfrenzy.com

PHOTO CREDITS – The Coffeecake Connection Company, Funding Feeding Frenzy

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Chicago Venture Magazine is a publication of Nathaniel Press www.ChicagoVentureMagazine.com Comments and re-posts in full or in part are welcomed and encouraged if accompanied by attribution and a web link . This is not investment advice. We do not guarantee accuracy. It’s not our fault if you lose money.

.Copyright © 2013 John Jonelis – All Rights Reserved

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