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THROW THE BUM OUT
by John Jonelis – Mark T Wayne hurls his cigar to the barroom floor and grinds it under his heel. “Lonagan, you’re a consummate ass!”
“Shuttup ‘n’ have anudder whiskey.”
“You sir are heavily inebriated.” Wayne’s voice resonates above the noise of the crowded bar. “I know better than to get tight oftener than once in three months.” He lifts his chin and peers down his nose at Loop Lonagan. “It sets a man back in the esteem of people whose opinions are worth having.”
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PAVLOVIAN PT
by Loop Lonagan – Ever’body’s gettin’ new knees, new hips, and what not. It’s an epidemic of elective surgery. And I’m talkin’ big money. An investor definitely wants in on a trend like this, but what’s da best play?
Take Jonelis, my good friend and boss. Da guy up ‘n’ gets two brand new knees—AT DA SAME TIME! Seems crazy, don’t it? What’s he s’posed to use fer legs?
So right away I gotta play bigshot. I invite John to my penthouse fer da whole rest ‘n’ recovery thing. Yeah, you guessed it—I wanna play Da Good Samaritan over Christmas. I figure they’s gonna carry him in on a stretcher ‘n’ I’ll be da hero that arranges fer all sorts o’ people t’ help out while he’s bedridden. Shows how much I know.
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THE PRICE OF THEIR TOYS
by John Jonelis – The radio crackles, “Cherokee Six, rock yer wings and rock ‘em good.” Jim Kren ignores the command. We’re no Cherokee Six. Is the controller looking at another airplane? The sky is lousy with traffic converging on one tiny airport and special rules apply. Keying your mike is tantamount to declaring an emergency. Aviation is full of moments like that. The entire air transport system won’t function unless responsible people break the law in just the right way.
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THE DRAGON LADY AND THE BIG BAD DUCK
by John Jonelis – This big bully shows up. All da little kid’s call ‘im da Big Bad Duck ‘cause he wears a funny thing on his head, sticks out like a beak. He wants to play fer da Elephants. Pretty soon, he says he oughta be captain. He’s got a real regulation soccer ball instead o’ that cheap kickball they been usin’.
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CROSSTOWN CLASSIC
by John Jonelis – Where do subversive attitudes fester and bloom into conviction? Childhood! Between 1st and 6th grades, I grew up in a demilitarized zone populated by Sox fans AND Cubs fans. I loved the Cubs. But the Sox shot off fireworks, so I loved them too!
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HOW TO TREAT THE OLD MAN
by John Jonelis – A huge part of the value of this excursion is the solitude of the north woods. Solitude has no price tag, so shoot the works! Surprise the old man! RENT THE WHOLE LODGE! Sure, the facility holds 25 guests. So what? It’s only money!
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HAWKS
by Mark T Wayne – “Quit talking business! This is important!” A shocking pronouncement coming from one’s employer! I go mum. Jonelis and Lonagan both jump to their feet and beer sloshes onto my fine white flannel suit. “Goal!” they scream in rough unison, and the stadium erupts in opposing voices of victory and outrage.
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KIDNAPPED
by Mark T Wayne – Weeks have passed since my last conscious memory. Weeks, I say! A man can lose his hat and perhaps even his pants, but to lose several weeks is inexcusable. Think what mischief might transpire over such a span of time!
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SABBATICAL
by Mark T Wayne – Jonelis ain’t here. He announced a sabbatical and disappeared. That is correct, sir! I am in charge! That is my hat on the hook. Those are my boots resting on the WWII Air Force desk. I will take this opportunity to exercise my power as I see fit. Any fool that criticizes my splendid white suit or magnificent mustache may face instant dismissal!
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ROUGHING IT
by Mark T Wayne – “Don’t you want to feel safe?” asks Rosalind Russell. In response, Clark Gable knits his brows. “I never have. What’s it like?” Vigorous travel is a grueling sport! One anticipates deprivation and hardship on any trip of significance. One seeks adventure! Exhilaration! One does not select air transportation to wrap oneself in a safe cocoon. No sir! Air travel exists for one and only one purpose. SPEED!
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CLOSER TO HEAVEN
by Mark T Wayne – My instinct for survival goes into full panic mode. With wisdom born of a long life, I fumble with my seatbelt. I wish to disembark this flying coffin—IMMEDIATELY! My hands shake and over my loud objections, before I can set myself free, the props are spinning!
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FISH STORY
by Mark T Wayne – Fishermen are liars! After a superb day of fishing in the Canadian Wilderness, I prepare to utter my first exaggeration when Jonelis comes in with this monstrous THING. Look at it sir! This stretches all limits of credulity!
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LIES ABOUT PARADISE
by Mark T Wayne – I recognize a sharp character flaw among outdoorsmen of all sorts—an uncontrollable urge to exaggerate—particularly after an excursion to a wilderness such as northern Manitoba. Permit me to treat you to a few horror stories of the Great North Woods. I promise to debunk them all.
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A LOOP LONAGAN CHRISTMAS
by John Jonelis –This is outrageous. I’m concentrating on my computer screen when a huge mitt grabs me by the back of the belt and plucks me from my chair. Next thing I’m dangled high over the desk, arms and legs flailing…
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THE BUM IN ME
Loop Lonagan – special correspondent – I always say there’s a lot to bein’ a good bum. You feel so warm inside when you drop a buck in his hat. ‘Specially near Christmas. Makes your whole day. Some ‘o these derelicts play musical instruments and summa them is pretty good at it too. Come to think of it, these guys fill an important role in society. They’re public servants. Maybe the city should fit ‘em into their patronage system. It’d mean more votes for The Chicago Machine. After all, The Machine is politicians. And politicians is people paid to be bums.
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I NEVER WORKED A DAY IN MY LIFE
John Jonelis—‘I loved what I did. To me working was the greatest things in the world. I still average twelve hours a day. I never felt I worked a day in my life.’
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THE BIG MATCH
John Jonelis—Lonagan is the pure street fighter and it’s clear that the Marquis of Queensbury rules hamper his style. He crouches and weaves from side to side and I know he’s looking for a chance to step inside Harbinger’s long jabs. He ducks and blocks but a lot of those jabs land and I hear the ref click his counter again and again. Loop could lose on points alone. He hasn’t even thrown a punch.
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SOMEBODY KEEPS MOVIN’ MY CHEESE
Loop Lonagan – special correspondent – “No mercy. No grace,” he says in a voice that sounds more like a growl. “Prison’s gotta be better than what really happens to a man these days. Lousy do-gooder sister. A guy lets loose just once and next thing he wakes up in the tank.”
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THE BUSINESS PLAN POLICE
Bill Blaire – special correspondent – It’s a raid! People scream and run fer the exit, but two tough-lookin’ boys carryin’ M-16s shove ‘em back into the theater.
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THE LUCKY DOG
Loop Lonagan – special correspondent – Summa the best inventions are the simple ones, and hey—how come YOU ain’t the first one to think of it?
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STORY
John Jonelis—What do Newt Gingrich, Simon Sinek, and Esther Choy have in common?
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THE FACEOFF
Bill Blaire – special correspondent – “You know I ain’t got no time to waste readin’.” Bill Blaire’s tall beefy frame towers over Jim Kren’s desk at the Chicago Venture Magazine offices and his huge fists are clenched. “Then I gets blindsided,” he says. “Big-time. Pierce O’Shea reads that article to the boys—out loud, real loud, hamming it up—and they laugh me outa the bar.” He pauses. “So what you findin’ so funny, smart guy?”
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DA LEG BREAKER ‘N’ DA SNAKE OIL
Loop Lonagan & John Jonelis – “I still sez he ain’t nothin but a well-dressed snake oil salesman. Too smooth. Too articulate. Voice too modjoo—madju—modulated.”
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ANOTHER DROWNING MAN
John Jonelis—You don’t ask a drowning man if he wants to be saved,
When you know he’s sinking down—down beneath the crashing waves.
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FEAR OF FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION
by Tom Lemanski – If we can agree that innovation is critical to success. and acknowledge that failures are a critical components for success, allow me to ask: How does your organization reward failures?
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THE GIRL WITH THE BLACK LEATHER PANTS
by John Jonelis – This is a winner. You wanna wow the judges? Win the crowd? Get your game face on, kiddo! Hit ’em with real passion, overflowing personality and a canon shot of enthusiasm.
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TURN THE PAGE
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All Rights Reserved
Chicago Venture Magazine 