By John Jonelis
“Tell me a story, Uncle Loop.”
“Okay Princess, that’s what I’m here for. First let’s get you all tucked in and ready fer bed.” Loop Lonagan sits back in the chair and opens the news app on his phone. “Let’s see what we got here.” He runs down the headlines.
- “GANG SHOOTING ON HALSTED—No that’ll just get ya all riled up.”
- “TERRORISTS ABDUCT CHILDREN—Nope. Too scary.”
- “LOCAL REP ACCUSED OF EMBEZZLEMENT—”
“What’s ‘bezelment, Uncle Loop?”
“Ferget it kid. Way too boring . Here’s another one.”
- “TRUMP IN BED WITH CLINTON—”
The small voice turns suddenly shrill. “That one! Read me that one, Uncle Loop. It’s a bedtime story.”
“I dunno, kid. It’s politics. Yer daddy and mommy’ll kill me.”
“Please, Uncle Loop. PLEEEEEEZE!”
“Gimme a minute t’ think.” Lonagan goes silent and scans the article.
- Trump runs a false flag campaign...
- Third party run expected…
- Speculation of collusion with Clinton…
Sheesh—Kren might have him up on charges for corrupting his sweet little girl with stuff like that. Jonelis could sic the Business Plan Police on him and he’d never see the light of day again. Isn’t this Trump bozo some kind of family—even if John can’t stand the guy and they never talked to each other?
At this point Loop’s 85 pound bull terrier, Clamps, saunters in and jumps on the bed. Princess hugs him tight.
“C’mon, Uncle Loop!”
“Yeah, yeah, pipe down, I’m still thinkin’” So what’s he supposed to do? Disappoint a kid?
After all—are these two goons really the best we can find to run for President of the United States? Maybe beauty’s in the eye of the beholder but the thought gives him a headache.
“Hurry up, Uncle Loop!”
“Yeah kid.” He licks his dry lips, then takes a tug of Scotch for inspiration. What grade are ya in at school this year?”
“Growin’ up so fast! Old enough to read this stuff all by yerself, arn’tcha? Okay, you close yer sweet little eyes and Uncle Loop is gonna tell ya da whole rotten mess.
A Loop Lonagan Bedtime Story
“Let’s say yer on da playground fer a free-fer-all soccer game. EVER’BODY plays! One team’s called da Jackasses—I mean the Donkeys. Other team is da Elephants. Okay?”
“Okay Uncle Loop!”
“Captain o’ the Donkeys is an older 5th grade girl. Kids call her da Dragon Lady. Captain o’ da Elephants is another 5th grader dey call Boring B. Bland—B3 fer short. Deeze is da biggest kids AND da best soccer players.
“Dey pick players one atta time from da heap, so’s both sides is even. Youse is hopin’ you don’t get picked last, cause dat’s a real disgrace. I seen it where some poor schmuck don’t get picked at all! But B3 calls yer name and ya feel real good. Ya trackin’ with me?”
“Okay, then dis big bully shows up. All da little kid’s call ‘im da Big Bad Duck ‘cause he wears a funny thing on his head, sticks out like a beak. He never played with da little kids before but now he wants t’ be an Elephant. Pretty soon, he starts throwin’ his weight around, sayin’ he oughta be captain. Claims he’s a better player den B3. He’s got a real regulation soccer ball instead o’ that cheap kickball they been usin’. A couple o’ da kids wanna go with him. Ever see it work dat way, Princess?”
She smiles and nods.
“Okay, ever’body at school already knows da Dragon Lady ‘n’ da Big Bad Duck is pretty good friends with each other. What nobody understands is this: Before recess, da Dragon talked da Duck into playing fer da Elephants. It’s a special secret deal between dem two.”
“But that’s not her team! If he’s the best player, why does she want him on the Elepants?”
“Ah, yer a smart little one! Just wait ‘n’ see! Da game gets started. After a while, an argument breaks out. Turns out mosta da team don’t want da Duck t’ be captain. So he says he’s gonna take his ball ‘n’ go play his own game. Sound familiar?”
She nods again.
“And he takes a few o’ da kids from da Elephants with ‘im—summa da best players, too. So whaddaya think ever’body else does? Do they pick new teams?”
“No, Uncle Loop. They keep playing because the bell is going to ring and recess will be over.”
“Right, and who wins the game?”
She chews a finger. “I suppose the Donkeys, because they have more players.”
“Right again. Da Dragon Lady got da Big Bad Duck to split da team. He ran a false flag, like it says here in dis article. Dat’s yer lesson in Chicago-style politics on da national stage—at least fer tonight. Hey, you don’t look sleepy yet.”
Princess squeezes Clamps tight, like a big stuffed bear. “Tell me another story!”
“Hmm.” Loop pulls out his phone and runs down the headlines. “Lemme see what else we got here…”
Read the rest of the story:
Sources: Time Magazine and Black Bag
Image of The Donald courtesy Business Insider
Image of The Hillary courtesy The Marker Cafe
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.Copyright © 2015 John Jonelis – All Rights Reserved
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