Category Archives: Whack jobs

SECRETS DARK AND OLD

by John Jonelis

“I still say da guy deserves what he got. He ran down dat poor animal on purpose! Hates squirrels. Says so in da papers.” So proclaims Loop Lonagan regarding Alderman Brookins of Chicago’s 21st Ward.

“Is not true! Right here in Chicago Tribune, it read—how you say—kamikaze squirrel.” Donatis Ludditis thumps a stout digit on a newspaper headline and continues in his broken English. “Creature attack alderman. Throw itself into wheel of bicycle in suicide attack! Here is proof, see?” He points to a photograph—a photograph that Brookins took himself. It shows the murdered animal lodged in the spokes of his ruined bicycle. “Newspapers in whole country print story.” says Ludditis. “Not one say alderman cruel to animals! Not one time!”

Photo by Alderman Brookins

Lonagan clutches his brow for a long moment. “So yer tellin’ me dat ever’body believes dis guy’s story?”

The Brookins story has re-surfaced in news outlets because the man is up and taking nourishment after recovering from major injuries. At the time of the accident, he was credited with some rather peculiar remarks. Apparently, because of his vigorous opposition to the eastern gray squirrel and his call for the extermination of the species, the local underworld of tree dwelling rodents staged a coordinated and premeditated suicide attack against their arch nemesis. Now he’s on his soap box, again garnering support for his cause. It makes me wonder if this guy read too many comic books in law school.

Lonagan abruptly pounds a fist against my desk. After an involuntary flinch, I roll back my chair to examine the man from a somewhat safer distance. “Okay, lemme tell you a story ‘o my own,” he says. “One fine day, I run down some neighborhood kid—on purpose—’n’ he gets stuck behind da front wheel o’ my Cadillac er Lexus, er whatever politicians drive deeze days. So whaddaya think I do?  I climb outa da driver’s seat and snap a pic o’ da corpse ‘n’ post it online. Den I say, da kid launched hisself at my car’s front wheel in an effort t’ kill me, ‘cause I been crakin’ down on neighborhood gangs.”

“I object! Loop, that’s just awful.” But I’m too late to squelch the horrid image.

Lonagan raises both arms, palms open. “See? You’se is never gonna get anybody t’ buy a story like dat. What makes dis squirrel any different?”

“I not know,” says Ludditis. “Back in old country, if you damage party member limosine, you pay! No matter how it happen. Is politics!”

Howard Brookins speaks to the medea – Nancy Stone, Chicago Tribune

During this exchange, Jim Kren’s face—never a pleasant sight—screws up tighter and tighter in what I always take as a combination of anger and spite. I’ve been watching him and waiting for an explosion. It begins with a slow leak. “You two judicial giants know nothing whatsoever of the true ramifications of this matter,” he says. “I can tell you a thing or two about the eastern bloc squirrel. Some of it will curl your hair. People know they are astoundingly cunning rodents, but there is more—much more!”

Kren looks to be on a roll. “This eastern bloc squirrel represents the most monstrous and pernicious plot against humanity since the fluoridation of water! We face a much larger threat than that posed by the proliferation of common vermin. These squirrels are more capable than rats and possess a much higher intelligence!” Kren gets increasingly loud and shrill. “Eastern bloc squirrels look out for their kind and know who is persecuting them! If you thwart their plans, they figure a way to take care of the problem! Nothing can stop them from getting what they want!”

Lonagan takes a seat, shaking his head in hopeless abandon. I’ve heard Kren utter such a sentiment before, but never an inkling of this political angle. The man bears watching.

Greedy Guts the Squirrel

“Agents of sedition started smuggling these iconoclasts to our shores decades back!” shrieks Kren. “And they now represent the dominant species! Think of it! Squirrels in your own back yard—the place where your children play! Your children! Talk about infiltration! And they remain there all night, listening to your every word! They meet in secret, pass on intelligence, and formulate plans!”

“So,” says Lonagan with a smirk. “How d’ya figure they listen in on City Hall?”

Kren doesn’t miss a beat. “Don’t be so naive, MISTER Lonagan! In an era of central heating, do you actually believe they cannot gain easy access to any building they choose through the HVAC system? Certainly, gentlemen, it is child’s play for the eastern bloc squirrel to monitor a city council meeting and plan a counter-attack! I could show you one of their secret websites! It disseminates information about these scheming rodents to their craven human allies! It’s written in a code—a code colloquially known as poetry—a cryptic language few speak any more. Let me show you an excerpt.”

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There are secrets dark and old

Things that make the blood run cold

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Facts that twist the human brain

And plunge the mind into pain

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Knowledge that is from long ago

That man was not meant to know

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But the squirrels know

Don’t have a problem with it

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.See video performance by Bob Badpoet

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“Gentlemen, what to you say to that?!!!” Krens interogatory smacks of satisfaction—like he’s busting out with a SO THERE! “If you truly want to gain an inside knowledge of the malicious nature of these animals, here is this!”

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.I am the rodent of your discontent

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From the bushes I listen as you vent

I know what you said and what you meant

For I am the rodent of your discontent

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For my services I charge no rent

I encourage every argument

Behold the rodent of your discontent

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What I do earns me not a cent

But your anger has a sweet scent

Savored by the rodent of your discontent

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Gnawing on your house until my strength is spent

Just to add to your torment

Despair of the rodent of your discontent

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I would follow no matter where you went

So that new troubles I could invent

Fear the rodent of your discontent

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See video perfomance by Bob Badpoet

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Kren leans forward and speaks in a more secretive tone. “Most do not know that these eastern bloc squirrels plotted world dominance long before the era of modern totalitarianism. Men are putty in their paws! Have any of you read the squirrel manifesto? No? It is the most outrageous collection of hate and bile uttered by any animal since the beginning of time! I keep an excerpt with me—it is written in the same foul poetic code.”.

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I come seeking nuts and seeds

To get them I do dark deeds

Fear the squirrel

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I take what I want in food

Even if it hurts your mood

Fear the squirrel

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I sneak into your house at night

At your groceries I bite

Fear the squirrel

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Many wonder how I know

Where it is your food you stow

Fear the squirrel

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Such knowledge is not hard

After all I live in your yard

Fear the squirrel

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I know secrets lost and deep

I gather them while you sleep

Fear the squirrel

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I whisper dark knowledge in your ear

Tell you what you don’t want to hear

Fear the squirrel

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Madness stalks the dreams of man

It is all part of the plan

Fear the squirrel

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Or you could leave out some sunflower seeds

Up to you

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See video performance by Bob Badpoet

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Lonagan opens his eyes wide and his nose almost touches Kren’s. “So I take it you’se is sidin’ with da Alderman?”

“Yes!” says Kren, squaring his shoulders and pushing back. “I take the good Alderman’s side on this issue—and not without reason! I know!  The eastern bloc squirrel is alien to everything we stand for! I can no longer permit alien infiltration, alien sedition, and the international eastern bloc conspiracy to sap and impurify our entire way of life!”

Time for me to pull rank. “Gentlemen,” I say. “Let us repair to the front room for some refreshment. I have another matter to discuss.”

The front room of our magazine offices is Ludditis’ bar.

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Go to Part 1 – TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM

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Source Material & Links

Kamikaze Squirrel Gets Revenge on Ald. Brookins

Chicago Tribune

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Alderman, victimized by squirrel, still fighting trash-seeking furry rodents

Chicago Tribune

 

Bob’s Bad Poetry

You Tube

Bob Badpoet

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This magazine fully endorses Bob Badpoet but the remarks by Kren, Lonagan, and Ludditis do not necessarily express the opinions of the editor or this magazine.

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Graphics and Other Credits

Poetry by Bob Badpoet

Dead squirrel photo by Ald. Howard Brookins

Photograph of Howard Brookins by Nancy Stone, Chicago Tribune

Bob Badpoet graphic by Jennifer Jonelis

Wildlife photography and Tavern graphic by John Jonelis

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Chicago Venture Magazine is a publication of Nathaniel Press www.ChicagoVentureMagazine.com Comments and re-posts in full or in part are welcomed and encouraged if accompanied by attribution and a web link. This is not investment advice. We do not guarantee accuracy. Please perform your own due diligence. It’s not our fault if you lose money.
.Copyright © 2017 John Jonelis – All Rights Reserved
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Filed under Characters, chicago, city, Conflict, Innovation and Culture, Jim Kren, loop lonagan, public servants, the chicago machine, The City, the great outdoors, the machine, Whack jobs

THE DRAGON LADY AND THE BIG BAD DUCK

The Donald T

By John Jonelis

               ■ 

“Tell me a story, Uncle Loop.”

“Okay Princess, that’s what I’m here for. First let’s get you all tucked in and ready fer bed.” Loop Lonagan sits back in the chair and opens the news app on his phone. “Let’s see what we got here.” He runs down the headlines.

  • “GANG SHOOTING ON HALSTED—No that’ll just get ya all riled up.”
  • “TERRORISTS ABDUCT CHILDREN—Nope. Too scary.”
  • “LOCAL REP ACCUSED OF EMBEZZLEMENT—”

“What’s ‘bezelment, Uncle Loop?”

“Ferget it kid. Way too boring . Here’s another one.”

  • “TRUMP IN BED WITH CLINTON—”

The small voice turns suddenly shrill. “That one! Read me that one, Uncle Loop. It’s a bedtime story.”

“I dunno, kid. It’s politics. Yer daddy and mommy’ll kill me.”

“Please, Uncle Loop. PLEEEEEEZE!”

Gimme a minute t’ think.” Lonagan goes silent and scans the article.

  • Trump runs a false flag campaign...
  • Third party run expected…
  • Speculation of collusion with Clinton…

Sheesh—Kren might have him up on charges for corrupting his sweet little girl with stuff like that.  Jonelis could sic the Business Plan Police on him and he’d never see the light of day again.  Isn’t this Trump bozo some kind of family—even if John can’t stand the guy and they never talked to each other?

Business Plan Police

At this point Loop’s 85 pound bull terrier, Clamps, saunters in and jumps on the bed. Princess hugs him tight.

“C’mon, Uncle Loop!”

“Yeah, yeah, pipe down, I’m still thinkin’”  So what’s he supposed to do?   Disappoint a kid?

20150825-The Donald - BusinessInsider

After all—are these two goons really the best we can find to run for President of the United States? Maybe beauty’s in the eye of the beholder but the thought gives him a headache.

20150825-The Hillary - The Marker Cafe

“Hurry up, Uncle Loop!”

“Yeah kid.” He licks his dry lips, then takes a tug of Scotch for inspiration. What grade are ya in at school this year?”

“Third!”

“Growin’ up so fast! Old enough to read this stuff all by yerself, arn’tcha? Okay, you close yer sweet little eyes and Uncle Loop is gonna tell ya da whole rotten mess.

A Loop Lonagan Bedtime Story

“Let’s say yer on da playground fer a free-fer-all soccer game. EVER’BODY plays! One team’s called da Jackasses—I mean the Donkeys. Other team is da Elephants. Okay?”

“Okay Uncle Loop!”

“Captain o’ the Donkeys is an older 5th grade girl. Kids call her da Dragon Lady. Captain o’ da Elephants is another 5th grader dey call Boring B. Bland—B3 fer short. Deeze is da biggest kids AND da best soccer players.

“Dey pick players one atta time from da heap, so’s both sides is even. Youse is hopin’ you don’t get picked last, cause dat’s a real disgrace. I seen it where some poor schmuck don’t get picked at all! But B3 calls yer name and ya feel real good. Ya trackin’ with me?”

“Um hmmm.”

Soccer Ball

“Okay, then dis big bully shows up. All da little kid’s call ‘im da Big Bad Duck ‘cause he wears a funny thing on his head, sticks out like a beak. He never played with da little kids before but now he wants t’ be an Elephant. Pretty soon, he starts throwin’ his weight around, sayin’ he oughta be captain. Claims he’s a better player den B3. He’s got a real regulation soccer ball instead o’ that cheap kickball they been usin’. A couple o’ da kids wanna go with him.  Ever see it work dat way, Princess?”

She smiles and nods.

“Okay, ever’body at school already knows da Dragon Lady ‘n’ da Big Bad Duck is pretty good friends with each other. What nobody understands is this: Before recess, da Dragon talked da Duck into playing fer da Elephants. It’s a special secret deal between dem two.”

“But that’s not her team! If he’s the best player, why does she want him on the Elepants?”

“Ah, yer a smart little one! Just wait ‘n’ see! Da game gets started.  After a while, an argument breaks out. Turns out mosta da team don’t want da Duck t’ be captain.  So he says he’s gonna take his ball ‘n’ go play his own game. Sound familiar?”

She nods again.

“And he takes a few o’ da kids from da Elephants with ‘im—summa da best players, too. So whaddaya think ever’body else does? Do they pick new teams?”

“No, Uncle Loop. They keep playing because the bell is going to ring and recess will be over.”

“Right, and who wins the game?”

She chews a finger. “I suppose the Donkeys, because they have more players.”

“Right again. Da Dragon Lady got da Big Bad Duck to split da team. He ran a false flag, like it says here in dis article. Dat’s yer lesson in Chicago-style politics on da national stage—at least fer tonight. Hey, you don’t look sleepy yet.”

Clamps & Bone

Princess squeezes Clamps tight, like a big stuffed bear.  “Tell me another story!”

“Hmm.” Loop pulls out his phone and runs down the headlines. “Lemme see what else we got here…”

Read the rest of the story:

TRUMPED

 

Sources: Time Magazine and Black Bag

Image of The Donald courtesy Business Insider

Image of The Hillary courtesy The Marker Cafe

Chicago Venture Magazine is a publication of Nathaniel Press www.ChicagoVentureMagazine.com Comments and re-posts in full or in part are welcomed and encouraged if accompanied by attribution and a web link. This is not investment advice. We do not guarantee accuracy. It’s not our fault if you lose money.

.Copyright © 2015 John Jonelis – All Rights Reserved

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Filed under big money, Characters, chicago, Economics, Education, Entrepreneurship and Politics, Fiscal Policy, loop lonagan, The City, the machine, Whack jobs