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THE JOB INTERVIEW WITH WILLIAM SHAKES

by Mark T Wayne

We’re here to interview some reprobate named William Shakes for the job of special correspondent. I do not know why I’m a part of this. No sir! Perhaps it’s the strange nature of the recruit. Perhaps it’s because Jonelis recommended this particular…person, and does not entirely trust the judgement of Jim Kren, his assistant editor. (Shakes bears an uncanny resemblance and must be related in some way—maybe) Perhaps it’s because that execrable Lonagan creature is the only other help Kren could muster. But we need more writers, so here I am, eager and helpful as always, ready to lend any assistance within my power.

Mark T Wayne

Kren consults a wrinkled scrap of paper. I believe he’s reading questions from a list. “So, uh…your name is William Shakes. Is that right? Tell me about yourself.”

What kind of softball question is Kren pitching? There sits Shakes in frilly regalia, looking like something out of an Elizabethan play. He probably came here straight from an all-night costume party, roaring drunk, and Kren asks a fool question like that. Wait, I believe the man is transparent enough to respond to such utter inanity.

  • “What’s in a name?” he says with dignity. “That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. We are such stuff as dreams are made on. But if it be a sin to covet honour, I am the most offending soul alive.” Spoken fluently and with aplomb! And in a well-modulated voice!
  • Loop Lonagan looks at the man slack jawed. After a moment I hear him whispering to Kren. “What didee say?” Kren fiddles with his paper and mutters to Lonagan, “Idiot! I was gonna ask you that!”
  • My value to the proceedings is now clear. Not to mention that I recognize the true and somewhat illustrious identity of this candidate. “Gentlemen, Mr. Shakes expresses the sentiment that his name and his fame do not matter; that he brings to the table a strong imagination and boundless creativity. He’s proud of his accomplishments and liable to brawl with anyone that displays the audacity to criticize his work. (Also, gentlemen, notice that the man carries a sword.)”

“Why,” Kren asks testily, “didn’t he just come out and say what he meant?”

I express the opinion that’s precisely what he did.

Lonagan shrugs and grins at his boss. “Ain’t got no problem with it.”

William Shakes

Kren reads the next question:

  • “What is your greatest accomplishment?”
  • Shakes sits there in that hot scratchy outfit, seeming at ease. “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them,” He says. “The play’s the thing. Thirty Seven there be, wherein I catch the conscience of the king and posterity.” The man runs off these lines without breaking sweat.
  • More muttering and both Kren and Lonagan turn to me. I clear my throat. “He’s considered the supreme writer in the English language and highly respected throughout the known world. Among other things, he produced 37 highly prized major works of written material that have captured the attention of world leaders.” (Privately, I take violent exception to the widely-held belief regarding his supremacy as a writer.  Such accolade is more aptly applied to myself. But I refuse to squabble.  Honour is at stake. Yes sir! I will do nothing to lampoon this interview!)

A brief dumbfounded silence. Then the barely vocalized sounds of approval indicate that these two examples of lower life are suitably impressed by the response. I warm to the task! Kren scans his page of questions.

  • “What major problem have you had to deal with recently?”
  • Shakes: “A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool. It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves. We know what we are, but know not what we may be.”
  • I immediately translate: “He says he’s learning not to underrate himself. As a result, he never shirks a task, even if he feels inadequate. Because of that, he’s consistently surprised by hidden talents.”

Lonagan finally gets up the nerve to ask a question himself:

  • “Are you one o’ deeze team players?”
  • Shakes: “Prithee, it be thus. Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.”
  • Me: “Ditto that.”

Loop’s dog Clamps. No known photograph of Lonagan exists, but they look a lot alike.

Lonagan again:

  • “What’s yer biggest weakness?”
  • Shakes: “If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?”
  • They both sit there stunned, so I venture another paraphrase: “He says he’s only human, subject to the same vices of body and character as you two.”

Kren throws up his hands, then with an obvious effort, composes himself, and manages to appear grave and somewhat skeptical. Then he plods on.

  • “How do you think you can add value to our magazine?”
  • Shakes: “There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our venture.”
  • Lonagan: “What didee say dat time?”
  • I happily translate: “He says the magazine could go on the rocks due to poor staff and lousy management. But we’re at a critical stage right now and must take full advantage of it while the opportunity is ripe.”

That last answer emits a bit of grumbling between the two louts. Those fellows have no idea who they’re dealing with. Lonagan asks what I can only assume expresses the issue that bears most tenderly on his feeble mind:

  • “How much money d’ya want fer dis gig?”
  • Shakes: “While I am a beggar, I will rail and say there is no sin but to be rich; and being rich, my virtue then shall be to say there is no vice but beggary. If money go before, all ways do lie open, but the comfort is, you shall fear no more tavern-bills.”
  • I immediately insinuate myself: “He says he doesn’t come cheap, but he never pads the expense account.”

Kren utters a deep sigh and hits him with what I am sure is his final payoff question:

  • “Why should I hire you?”
  • “Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.”
  • I try not to bust out laughing. “He says, don’t be a ninny.”

Kren and Lonagan stare at each other. Face it—they botched the interview. There is nothing remaining to discuss. No sir! Jonelis wanted this relic on staff. These goons found no reason to reject the man.

Kren shrugs. “Show up tomorrow for work. Eight o’clock sharp.”

Shakes gives a bow and a flourish. “Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.”

As William Shakes nobly marches out, I can barely contain my mirth.  But tomorrow, the man will stand on the sidewalk for hours.  Our office rents space in the back room of a fine establishment and Ludditis doesn’t open the bar till the potato pancake connoisseurs crowd in for lunch.  Kren’s revenge.

 

Read the first in this series – TO BE OR NOT TO BE HACKED.

Image Credits – John Jonelis, Public Domain
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Chicago Venture Magazine is a publication of Nathaniel Press www.ChicagoVentureMagazine.com Comments and re-posts in full or in part are welcomed and encouraged if accompanied by attribution and a web link. This is not investment advice. We do not guarantee accuracy. Please perform your own due diligence. It’s not our fault if you lose money.
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THE DREAM COME TRUE

The Story of Ray Markman – Part 5

by John Jonelis

Ray Markman

Friday, 3:00 pm

Across my desk sit both Alexander Harbinger PhD and Loop Lonagan. So far they haven’t come to outright blows but their big duel is set for 5:00 pm.  That leaves two hours to pick their brains.

I realize both men are waiting for my part of the story on Ray Markman, so I report.

“I’ve got the story on the job Ray was gunning for—the one at Leo Burnett, the big-time ad agency. First let me get you into his mindset.  Ray has a theory that all great companies are two men, not one.  There’s Mr. Outside and Mr. Inside.  The idea man and the guy who runs the factory.  Look at it this way—when Apple loses Steve Jobs—Mr. Outside—the company doesn’t just dry up.  There’s a Mr. Inside who’s already running the shop in the background.”

I slap my palm on the scarred desktop. “Same thing at this ad agency. And at that time Leo Burnett himself is Mr. Outside.”

“So Ray makes good his escape from that cosmetics firm. He’s on the loose.  Brand manager experience under his belt.  He shows up at Leo Burnett and talks to the executive that fills the role of Mr. Inside.  And the guy puts Ray through their regular jury system.”  I pause and look each man in the eye. “That’s a set of grueling two-hour interviews with ten people.”

I sip my scotch. “Here’s where it gets good.  Eventually, the personnel department sends Ray to interview with their biggest brand manager—the guy that runs the Philip Morris account.  At that time, cigarette manufacturers spend hundreds of millions of dollars on advertising.  Doesn’t matter how much.  The more they advertise the more they sell.  It’s a direct correlation.”

Philip Morris

Philip Morris

“Yeah.” Lonagan is grinning.  “I remember them times. Kinda like the way they sell cheap beer, nowadays.”

Harbinger merely nods and looks particularly aloof. Probably a smug belief that German beer is better than Budweiser or Miller.  I don’t want to take sides in their duel, which is based chiefly on nationalistic pride, so I agree:

“You got that right.” I say as I take off my glasses and rub them clean with my shirttail.  “So here’s how this interview comes off. Ray and this guy are both standing the entire time—standing at opposite sides of a huge desk, talking over the din of a lot of background noise.  Some kind of construction in the next office.  A lot of hammering.  Then he hands Ray a pack of cigarettes.

“Now, Ray doesn’t smoke but his father did, so he tears off the cellophane just the way he watched his old man do. But then he tears a hole in the top and reaches in to get a cigarette.  Of course, he’s doing it all wrong and makes a mess.  His cigarette’s coming apart.  The Philip Morris guy puts a lighter to it and suddenly Ray’s got a torch in his hand.”

Harbinger is leaning toward me while Lonagan is leering and I go on: “Picture this: There’s all this noise.  They’re standing there talking at each other.  Paper all over the desk and ashes are falling from that ruined cigarette.  Little fires are burning everywhere on the desk.  Meanwhile the guy peppers Ray with questions like a machine gun.  Doesn’t pay any attention to the chaos. And Ray’s praying, ‘God, how can you punish me this way?  I wanted this job.’  Remember, he took that spot at Helene Curtis just get brand manager experience and land this position.”

I’m having a good time telling this story and these guys are still with me. I wind it up.  “Afterwards, Ray goes home to his wife and says, ‘Honey forget it.  They’ll never hire me after this.’  But a couple days later, he gets a call.  Come in.  Tell us when you want to start.”

Lonagan and Harbinger are both grinning as I go on. “Let me give you an idea of the culture of this organization. Leo’s absolutely huge on creativity.  He puts together the most august group of ad people in the industry.  Then he gets four creative groups competing to win each campaign.  Everybody works their asses off.  Competitors say Leo Burnett’s throwaways are better than everybody else’s finished ideas.

“Anyway, Ray goes to work for them. And he submits ideas to the top man himself.  And Leo says, ‘Let’s do this.’  That really shocks Ray.  He sees himself as just an account guy—the low man on the totem pole and Leo Burnett himself is listening to him.  Turns out Burnett will listen to anybody with creative ideas.  Doesn’t matter who you are.  And he gets to like Ray.”

I lean back and lift my feet to the desk. “Nowadays, they’re under a conglomerate like all the agencies. But back then this job is Ray’s dream come true.”

 

Continue to Part 6

 

Go back to Part 1

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Find Chicago Venture Magazine at www.ChicagoVentureMagazine.com Comments and re-posts are welcomed and encouraged. This is not investment advice – do your own due diligence. I cannot guarantee accuracy but I give you my best.

Copyright © 2012 John Jonelis – All Rights Reserved

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